NOTHING EVER HAPPENS                      © 2002 Acoustic Ross

I lost a toe in a bar fight
My drug-addicted ex-wife is a porno star
She got abducted by the mother ship 
and my evil twin stole my car

My sister’s been dating a sasquatch
He treats her really bad and you should smell those shoes
The people around me make daytime TV look like the 10 o’clock news

My uncle spontaneously combusted
the spirit of grandma just won’t leave us alone
I’m pretty sure my kids are children of the corn 
and the CIA tapped my phone

My neighbors are plotting against me
Mom got pregnant by her former ex-husband
My teeth and hair all fell out today 
and I got kicked out of a one-man band

Now I used to wish that I could be famous
and I waited for a sign
When I wished for a life that would put me in the tabloids
this isn’t what I had in mind

They airbrushed me out of the yearbook
the psychic hotline isn’t taking my calls
I lost my job at the asbestos plant 
and I’ve got this rash on my back

My girlfriend got killed by the Blair Witch
My feminine side just wants to be friends
I wrote a hit song that misused the word “ironic”
And this one has a kinda crappy end.